Pain = A Good Life

I’m sitting in an armchair drinking hot black tea on a cool refreshing October morning with my two loyal dogs at my feet. I realize life is good. However, if it weren’t for the painful times of my past, life wouldn’t be as good.

            As I’m sitting here, I’m reading Deuteronomy chapter 7-9. It’s the part of the story where Moses is about to send the Israelites into the Promised Land. But before this wonderful time, they had to spend forty years suffering in the desert. They had to suffer before they were blessed.

Deuteronomy 8:5 Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you.

            God loves us more than we can know. From that love he disciplines us. If you have, or if you are, or when you go through pain, it is because God loves you. I’m not just talking about the stub your toe pain. I’m also talking about the deep pain that can causes you to stay up all night.

            Our secular culture tells us that life should always be pain free. If for any reason it isn’t, then make it pain free, they say. If you’re fat; get lipo, if you’re depressed; pop a pill, lonely; then shack up.

            Life should not always be pain free. If it were always pain free, we would be spoiled. I believe a good life should encompass pain.

            I don’t enjoy pain or welcome it. I do however understand that it is what creates a good life. It’s like a potter shaping a lump of clay into a pot. If the lump of clay could talk, it would scream and shout at the potter for sternly grasping him and contorting him into a new shape. The same is true in our lives when God shapes us through pain.

            Through the pain, remember God will never leave us or forsake us. And just as it is painful for us, I’m sure it is painful for him. He has an excellent understanding of pain. He was whipped and beaten, and hung on a cross for our sake.

            There are two responses to pain. One is to become bitter. The other is to surrender. I have chosen surrender. I said “God here are the keys to my heart.” “I hold nothing back.” “Do, as you will.” It was very vulnerable giving access away, and I have taken it back many times. But I would not be sitting here in this beautiful October morning living as good a life if I hadn’t.

I Feel Like You Forgot Me August 29, 2010

Dear God,

            Sometimes it feels like you have forgotten me. I’m currently back at my old job, unsure about the future, debating over going back to school, living at home and single. I feel silly writing this because I know you haven’t forgotten me, however my feelings speak otherwise.

            I can’t blame my feelings. After all it was me who told them by this age I would be rich and successful. Maybe it is my dreams I should blame because they have proved deceptive so far. Like a dehydrated man walking toward a mirage on the horizon in a sun parched desert. When he gets there he finds nothing, just as I have found my dreams deceptive.  But this is child’s talk. I can’t blame my dreams. Dreams are a good thing whether they are reached or not.

            It must have been my immaturity that caused my feelings to speak to me in this way. When I look at my current state, I see much growth. I am learning patience, serving with the children’s ministry at my church, spending time reading my bible, being a light to people who don’t know you. Even though my dreams have not been reached, what I am doing now proves you have not forgotten me.

             I know what I must do regarding these feelings of being forgotten. I must not run from them like a scared little boy. Nor can I continue to feed them immature thoughts or they will grow. I must stand firm with the bible as my guide and speak to my feelings. I must say “although the dreams you were told have not come about, the reality of my current circumstance is far greater than if I had reached my dreams.” “The time in life now is the foundation being laid for the dreams to be built upon.” “What dream as lofty as the ones you were told can be reached by, or stay with a man who lacks a solid foundation?”

            Feelings are a stubborn thing. They can be corrected one moment and the very next moment forget what you taught them. They must be coerced over time, and eventually they will submit. Feelings of doubt, shame, etc can all be reigned in.

            They are also volatile. Some people allow feelings to control their thoughts and emotions. While others subject their feelings to thought and logic. Either extreme can wield a miserable life.

            These feelings we have are wild. Shielding negative feelings from a person can be unnerving. On the other hand, expressing my feelings to a person I love brings indescribable joy. When I speak with you my love, my feelings often overpower me. I don’t look manly at all; instead my feelings make me look like a little boy balling his eyes out.

           The trick in life (which I need your help with) is to balance feelings. I can’t allow my feelings to grow out of control, or wither away. Instead I must keep them in proportion with my mind. This doesn’t always work. When I look at my back in the mirror, I see long discolored horizontal running marks on my skin. They create the appearance I was whipped. These marks are a result of my fast growth in high school. My bones grew faster than my skin causing stretch marks. Currently my mind has grown faster than my feelings.

Blessed Beyond Thankfulness August 27, 2011

You have blessed me beyond my ability to thank you.

My thankfulness to you is so strong. I am unable to articulate it. If I could write one word that describes every word ever written, and the feelings behind that word, it would not come close.

The most powerful thing I possess is my thankfulness to you. It is stronger than all my skills combined. It runs deeper than any emotion I have ever felt. If I could describe my entire existence with only one word, it would be thankfulness.

It is also my greatest weakness. This is because I have no way of giving it to you. Every time I try, I am overcome with it. As I begin to offer it to you, it only grows. It’s like a small child offering his father a dirty penny. As the child brings the penny to the fathers reach, it multiplies into quarters, then Stacks of bills, then into bars of gold. Next the child is smothered.

Even if I was able to thank you for 99.99% of my blessings, the .001% would explode within me, and I would be back where I started.

I am like a farm where you plant crops of blessing. Everywhere I look crops are bursting up from the ground. I have long steady fields of crops all over me. There is also a lot of crop on shallow ground where I would have never expected it. My most prized crop is in the back, hidden from street view. Here there are beautiful, tall, unique crops that get high returns at the markets. They are this way because you plowed the ground deep and put much smelly fertilizer in. I never dreamed you would inconvenience me with such loud, deep reaching equipment or stinky fertilizer, but these crops are worth the disturbance.

I am so glad we have an understanding. You understand that I cannot possible thank you for all that you have blessed me with. And I understand that although I would like to, it’s ok that I cannot fully express my thankfulness to you. You are satisfied with my intent, not my performance.

This letter could go on forever to describe your blessings, and my inability to thank you. But my hands would eventually stop working. I instead will thank you with how I live my life. Through the decision I make, and things I do. I will do what I know pleases you. But even then my heart will stop beating, and I will one day die. So I will live in eternity, always trying but never fully thanking you for your many blessings.

Playbook of Life December 23, 2010

Today as I was reading Psalm 53, I read the part where God looks down to see if there are any who seek him. I got the realization that our lives are exposed to him much like a football game is exposed to spectators. In a football game, players have stats that rank them. Real life is much the same with God.

I saw a picture of God conversing with an angel about me, much like two coaches would converse with each other over a player. Between them was a great wealth of information.

At that moment I had a deep desire to know this information, my strengths, weaknesses, areas of improvement, etc, so I could become a better player. It would be easy for me to come up with a list of these on my own, but it would be a small slice of the conversation between God and the angel. Much of it would be wrong. It would be like describing myself while looking through a broken mirror. Things like pride, and selfishness would get in the way.

Unfortunately If I did somehow get this information, it would probably break my spirit. I would realize how far from perfection I have fallen. I’m sure it would also make me very content with my current skill level because of all the requirements it would take to make me into a top player.

Fortunately those who seek God uncover this information little by little. God reveals our stats to us as we align ourselves with his playbook, the bible.  When we learn to do things like promote peace, live for the benefit of others, restrain our tongue, love God with all of our ability, we become better players.

It’s not easy. It’s definitely the road less traveled. It’s a road filled with uncertainty and pain. But it is the most fulfilling life. As we give up our old strategies of play and adapt the perfect strategies of the bible, we find fulfillment. We learn to live in joy, and peace. People are attracted to us because we become a strong shelter grounded in the unshakable word of God.

I Love You May 25, 2010

Dear God,

I was hiking my dogs yesterday. And as I looked out and saw your beautiful creation reflecting in the golden sunlight just before sundown, I asked you a question. “Did you know that I love you?” Your answer was a simple one. “Yes. And I love you.” That answer was amazing to me as I tried to think of it in its immensity. The creator of all things knows that I love him. And in return loves me.

This love is not complacent, but is demonstrated in how you express it to me everyday. You shelter me with it, encourage me with it, and show me kindness with it. There is nothing I can do that will cause you to take your love away. You love me in so many ways that I can’t even begin to understand.

Please seek no further for someone to pour out your love on. Please choose me. But like a small cup floating on a large ocean, I cannot be filled up with much of you before it runs down my sides. Will you expand me so I can catch more? I am a lump of clay and you are the skilled craftsman. Shape me into a larger vessel, so I can catch more of you.

I so desire you that I am frustrated. I feel like a lover who has been separated from his newlywed wife. I feel incomplete and eager to find my love. No sweet words will calm me; nothing in the universe will replace her. I get letters in the mail from her, which helps to feed my appetite. But once the letter is consumed, my thirst returns. Even if something succeeds in distracting me, at the end of the day my bones still burn for my love.

The time is right, you are sending me into the world to share your love. Don’t send me empty because I will die. My love for others is directly related to my love for you. Because I love you, I love others.

I would rather die than loose your love. I would rather endure torture than loose your love. I would rather suffer the imagination of the most twisted, perverted person to have ever walked the face of the earth than to loose your love.

You are the center of my life. Every decision I make is based on you. Every breath I take is because of you. I need you more than I need a heartbeat. You are my life. The more of you I find, the more life I have.

I have tasted you, and know you to be good. All other concoctions the earth has to offer don’t even compare to you. Where else can I go to find something as fulfilling as your love?

I don’t know what else to say. My words are useless compared to the desire I have for you my love.

Seasons of My Life May 19, 2010

Dear God,

You are such an awesome God. I need to remember that you are always in control of my life. I was reading in Genesis about Joseph today. I realized that him being in jail was for his good. And no matter how much I cry out to you, or get filled with your spirit, seasons of life are still before me. I am young, and must walk the paths of life you have set before me. It took David years of running from Saul before he became king. There were many years for Joseph being a servant, then a prisoner before his promotion. So my prayer is not, “God, get me out of this season so I can get on with the things I think I should be doing, or fulfilling the prophesies over my life. But rather God, please take me through this season and develop me, and teach me the things I need to know.” I don’t want to be stuck in a season because of my stubbornness, but I also don’t want to rush through, and be ill-equipped for the next. I’m so glad that God works everything out. Please be with me God. Please shape me, and teach me so I can excel through the seasons set before me. There are no short cuts, no secret password prayers that will advance me to the next level. I should seek after you whole heartedly in every season of my life. Treating each as if it were the last. I need to deepen my understanding of who you are so that as a new season comes, I will have the grounding in your word that will allow me to stand firm for you. Because times will come when I need that grounding in you. Times that will blow a weak man away. But because of the development of my character now, those times will not shake me. I will be able to stand strong on your word. I will be able to be used for big things because of my development and faithfulness now. If we are faithful with the small things now, you are sure to increase our responsibility. You are awesome God!